Children and teens can struggle with anxiety, depression, bullying, and a whole range of emotional challenges. You can help them find their way forward. As a parent, be informed about how to read the signals that your child broadcasts and how to choose effective help.
If your child is struggling, you are not alone
Key points
- Like adults, kids and teenagers struggle with mental health challenges and social skills.
- Difficult behavior is a SIGNAL that something needs to be addressed.
- Your child can develop valuable lifelong coping skills and insights.
- Therapy for children is often effective. Seek a therapist who understands kids.
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As a parent, you are a key resource
Children and teenagers usually think they’re more mature than they actually are. Yet, when they’re struggling, they yearn for adult guidance to help them make sense of their world. You can guide them to resources that will help them develop resilience, coping skills, and insights that support sustained healing.
Step 1: Stop and notice
We are all pulled in different directions, juggling demanding responsibilities. Just preparing meals, making sure that kids do homework, making a living, keeping your romantic relationships in balance, taking care of obligations to your parents, and meeting expectations at work might distract you from noticing signals that your child might be in distress.
Step 2: Recognize that young people have fewer internal resources
Like everyone else, children and teenagers are complex, multi-faceted human beings, with numerous things going on in multiple areas of life at any given time. Like adults, kids and teenagers can struggle with depression and anxiety or lack important executive functioning and interpersonal skills — just without the maturity or life experience to maintain perspective or know how to deal with their specific challenges.
Without the insight and maturity that comes with life experience, kids often lack many of the basic life skills that they need to understand their emotions and regulate their behaviors. They might feel “stuck” in their perception of reality without realizing that there is a lot they can do to overcome their challenges.
Step 3: Recognize distress signals
Is your kid having a hard time at school, struggling socially, or just struggling to enjoy life? Have grades fallen, or have teachers mentioned that your child won’t speak up in class?
Has your teen stopped socializing, dropped after-school sports, or opted out of favorite hobbies? Have they started engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors?
Is your child spending much more time at home alone? Is your child spending hours on online games or social media?
All of these can be a sign that it’s time to get professional help.
Step 4: Focus on the signal, not the behavior
Your child’s change in behavior is usually the symptom, not the root problem. How your child is behaving is a SIGNAL that something needs to be addressed.
Many parents mistakenly look at what a child is doing as a problem in and of itself. For example, a child might resist going to school, be sloppy about schoolwork, or spend hours on the computer rather than socializing or engaging with family.
When you focus on the outward signal, you are likely to get into a no-win power struggle. Instead of getting to the issue that needs to be addressed, you are both likely to become increasingly frustrated and angry. Often, the problematic behavior is a reflection of their inner world, alerting you that something else is going on underneath the surface that needs attention. Don’t get caught up chasing the reflection!
Step 5: Recognize at least four challenges your kids face
Every generation thinks that their kids are more out of control than the previous generation. This time, it is the case!
- Social media means that your kids are always “on.” Instead of being able to turn off social pressures after school, social media follows our kids 24×7 (or for as many hours as they are on social media).
- Spending hours in front of screens means that kids have fewer opportunities for healthy outdoor activities and less time to be alone with their imagination.
- Following the pandemic, many kids struggle with social anxiety and find it incredibly difficult to have normal social interactions.
- Today’s teens, adolescents, and elementary-school-age children have a deficit in healthy interpersonal skills.
Children who are inundated by media and peer pressure may have difficulty understanding their inner voice, focusing for sustained periods, and building the confidence to advocate for themselves.
Step 6: Make a plan
A trained mental health professional who works with and understands children, adolescents, or teens can formulate a plan that matches the needs and strengths of your child.
With help, kids can learn strategies to deal with anxiety and depression, such as reframing their perceptions, challenging their assumptions, and learning relaxation techniques. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often effective with children and teens.
Teens and adolescents suffering from social anxiety can get support to take small but steady steps, gradually building their ability to manage and enjoy social interaction. Success breeds success, and each appropriate peer relationship makes the next one easier to navigate.
It can be helpful for children and teenagers to learn to express themselves by journaling their thoughts or by expressing themselves in a safe, non-judgmental environment with a trained therapist.
Look forward
When your child/young adult learns how to overcome their challenges, they usually develop more self-confidence and many undesirable behaviors dissipate on their own. Although not everyone responds in the same way to therapy, investing the time to develop positive skills is generally associated with very positive outcomes.
You can help your child leverage their challenges to develop new skills and greater confidence.
How young is too young? How old is too old?
Regardless of how long your child/teenager has been struggling, it’s never too early or too late to get them back on the right path. The goal is to figure out how to help your child grow through their challenges and get to the point where they enjoy school, have a healthy social life, and feel comfortable participating fully as confident, happy members of the family.
Choose a therapist who understands your child
Not all therapists have experience working with teens or children. Choosing a therapist who understands your child, and can make a meaningful connection with your child, can be key to success.
References and further reading
García-López, L., Espinosa-Fernández, L., Muela-Martínez, J.A., & Piqueras, J.A. (2021). Screening Social Anxiety in Adolescents Through the Eyes of Their Carers. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.
John-Baptiste Bastien, R., Jongsma, H.E., Kabadayi, M., & Billings, J. (2020). The effectiveness of psychological interventions for post-traumatic stress disorder in children, adolescents and young adults: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 50, 1598 – 1612.
Kang, N.R., & Kwack, Y.S. (2020). An Update on Mental Health Problems and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in Pediatric Obesity. Pediatric Gastroenterology, Hepatology & Nutrition, 23, 15 – 25.
Obiweluozo, P.E., Ede, M.O., Onwurah, C.N., Uzodinma, U.E., Dike, I.C., & Ejiofor, J.N. (2021). Impact of cognitive behavioural play therapy on social anxiety among school children with stuttering deficit. Medicine, 100.
Oud, M., de Winter, L., Vermeulen-Smit, E., Bodden, D.H., Nauta, M.H., Stone, L.L., van den Heuvel, M.W., Taher, R.A., de Graaf, I., Kendall, T., Engels, R.C., & Stikkelbroek, Y.A. (2019). Effectiveness of CBT for children and adolescents with depression: A systematic review and meta-regression analysis. European Psychiatry, 57, 33 – 45.